Updated: Jul 3, 2020
"Thief and The Beanstalk" by Maggie Gunhus
Poor lil mama’s boy he was nothing but a thief.
You thought he traded for magical beans?
Well the story left out the dead man at his feet.
He went to bed, eager to wake, to see the towering erection staring him in the face.
He climbed the green giant until he reached the top,
as he peered over the clouds, he felt big and strong.
But then he heard the rumble and a Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.
A man bigger than him, how could this be?
I am the greatest the world will ever see.
But wait, those are knockers and man are they huge.
A giantess, but the story left out her name.
So let’s call her Valencia, for she is brave and strong.
She paraded through the clouds, showing off her giant golden eggs.
The thief caught a glimpse and thought those would soon be his.
He knew he was subtle, canny, and smart
so he raced through the castle,
as if it was Bowser’s in Mario Kart.
He waited till dark, the time to prey,
come and get me the eggs seemed to say.
She appeared to be sleeping so he took his chance,
he snatched the eggs, and ditched without looking back.
He snuck out the door without making a sound,
but little did he know that there are always more women around.
The army of women stood ready to kill,
but waited for Valencia to make the first move.
She strutted out with a smile on her face,
and laughed at the little thief, a phony and a fake.
She picked him up, legs kicked like a spider,
and tossed him in her mouth his only way inside her.
The thief was gone, the thief was dead,
Valencia and her women will strive for a better end.
*To chat with Maggie or follow along with her online scrapbook head over to @maggie_gunhus on Instagram!